I loved watching you laugh really hard watching Jim Gaffigan on Netflix the other night so I figured I’d put up some of his funnier jokes. He has two specials on Netflix “Beyond the Pale” and “Mr. Universe”. There’s a few other really hilarious comedians we can watch that also don’t take their humor down the toilet but I’ll save them for another time.
“I was looking at a bottle of water; they have nutritional facts printed on the side. You know, I’m no chemist, but I have a rough idea what’s in water.”
“You ever read a book that changed your life? Me neither.”
“But in Indiana it’s not like New York where everyone’s like, ‘We’re from New York and we’re the best’ or ‘We’re from Texas and we like things big’ it’s more like ‘We’re from Indiana and we’re gonna move.”
“Now don’t get me wrong, I love animals, but I like eatin’ ’em more… fun to pet, better to chew.”
“Whenever I’m out of town for at least a week, I feel like I should write a postcard or something, but you can be a genius, you try and write a postcard you come across like a moron anyway: “This city’s got big buildings. I like food. Bye.”
“I’m blind, bald, and pale. I’m like a gigantic recessive gene.”
“We’re never satisfied when it comes to food. “You know what’d be good on this burger? A ham sandwich. Instead of a bun, let’s use two donuts. That way we can have it for breakfast. Look out McGriddle. Here comes the donut-ham-hamburger!”
“I’m not a strict vegetarian. I do eat beef and pork. And chicken. But not fish ’cause that’s disgusting! How do you know when fish goes bad? It smells like fish either way! ‘Hey this smells like a dumpster, let’s eat it!'”
“What was the idea behind Hot Pockets? Was there a marketing meeting somewhere, ‘Hey I got an idea: How about we take a Pop-Tart and fill it with really nasty meat? You could cook it in a sleeve thing, and you could dunk it in the toilet.”
“You ever find yourself being lazy for no reason at all? Like, you pick up your mail, you go in your house, you realize you have a letter for a neighbor. You ever just look at the letter and go “Hm. Looks like they’re never getting this. It’ll take too much energy to go back outside. I’m gonna get that to them later on. Right now I gotta watch some ‘Love Connection.’ They got some new host on there.”
‘You ever look for the remote control, but you can’t find it, so you just decide, “Ah, guess I’m not watching TV. I’m not gonna take two steps and turn it on myself. I’ll go to the gym if I’m going to work out.”
“You ever talk about a movie with someone who read the book? They’re always so condescending, “Ah, the book was much better than the movie.” “Oh really? What I enjoyed about the movie? No reading. It only took two hours, and then I could take a nap.”
“It’s strange how interesting your dreams are, but when someone tries to tell you their dream you’re just like “WHATEVER! Why don’t you send me an e-mail so I can delete it?”
“Every now and then I’ll read a book, I’ll be so proud of myself, I’ll try and squeeze it into conversation. People will be like, “Hey Jim, how ya do-” “I read a book! Two hundred and fifty pages!” “That’s great, what was it about?” “No idea! Took me three years!”
HOPE YOU ENJOYED LOVE YOU!!!!!